Not so blind...

I feel so stupid... I knew that this whole time he never really wanted to be with me, even when he kept telling me he did. And here I am, him telling me that he never really knew what he wanted with me, he just stuck around cause I needed him. So in reality, I'm just a charity case... that makes me feel so good about myself. Not really loved the way he told me he did. Everything about our relationship a lie. Seems like I'm a repeat offender, doesn't it? Every post the same thing... something always wrong with me, never enough for any of them.... nothing about the relationships the truth. Always fighting, more than any regular couple. Me always fighting to be with them, them always fighting to keep me at a distance. This one more than any other. Something is obviously wrong with me, and I just don't see it. Why can't I ever be enough for anybody anymore? Why am I just not good enough? I love him... and nothing I can do right now will keep him close. So I'll just let him go, like he really wants.. to find himself and figure everythign out. I love you Travis, so much that I'm letting you go. I'm sorry I wasted so much of your time.

New Shabang

Alright, so quick run down. New life. New love. Big surprise? Not really. Instead of aiming high this time, I aimed low. So low he's practically jail bait, but not quite so it's still legal and you can suck it. Any ways..... He, as well as the rest of them, is frustrating. I want to try, but after so many trial and errors I really want to give up. Yet at the same time, I can't stop myself from trying some more. On top of it all, he moved in with me. UGH! I don't know if that was a good idea anymore. I can't see the relationship working anymore outside of him living here, but I also don't know if him living here is the right thing anymore. It seemed like the right thing the entire time he was gone for a week at his parents. Nothing made sense without him here. And now that he's back, it's like... not does.

I learned something today. Assume the positive, in any scenario. This mainly for sales, but if you ask me, it should be for everything. And so, today, I did. I assumed the positive when my cat disappeared because he kept the door open for just a moment too long. He did not, and it reflected in me. Tonight when he was "seducing" me, and I decided to go along with it... I joked around, and he assumed the negative, and now here we are.... fighting. Again... Another big surprise? Not even remotely close. All we do is seem to fight. To be honest, when I try not to fight, he always manages to have it end up in a fight. I just don't get it. I can always try and talk to him about something that's not all that fun, and I know it'll probably make things a little stressful, but then he raises his voice. Gets defensive. Barks at me, practically. Then I'm left feeling horrible. Tonight I was left in the shower by myself feeling really upset and on the verge of tears and he's mad at me cause I jokingly shut the door.

I really want to leave. I want to get my keys, drive up the mountain somewhere, and just sleep in my car and escape. Why don't I? Oh, right.... because he whined to me about how he came back for me so the least I can do is stay for him. He should have stayed for me in the first place... leaving shouldn't have been the option. I complained every day about it, and every day he made me feel bad about it. For expressing how I felt, or telling him what I thought. How am I suppose to open up to him when every time I actually do he gets in defensive mode and then I have to try and pick up the pieces from the mess he made? I'm too old for this.... I'm not even that old, but I know I'm too old for this. I love him, but I can't hold on much longer when he gives me nothing to hold onto anymore. Right now I want to lay behind him and punch him in the side of the face, but I'm not... even though I really wish that I could. Fuck... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... that's all I can say. One day I'll figure this out. And when I do, I'll know for sure if this is worth it at all anymore. Because right now, it doesn't feel like it..... no more toying with my emotions buddy, one more time and I'm opting out of the messy hell hole of a situation going on between us. I love you, but you're not giving me you anymore, and I'm not seeing the reason to stick around much lately.

Maybe one day you'll figure it all out too. Probably not though, because you're so hard headed and you refuse to see things in every direction instead of just straight ahead. Try listening, it might do you some good... what I have to tell you, is constructive criticism... keep that in mind too.